We were once in Zaslov after Shavuot268The Rebbe was in Zaslov on Shavuot 5567/1807 after traveling to Novoritch. It was there that his wife passed away on the eve of Shavuot. The day after Shavuot was a Sunday, and on that day, Reb Noson spoke to the Rebbe at length and then left for home (Yemey Moharnat #23). Therefore, this conversation must have taken place on that Sunday, 8 Sivan 5567 (June 14, 1807). and the Rebbe complained to me, “How is one worthy of being a Jew?” (see “His Pilgrimage to the Holy Land” #33).
The Rebbe replied, “When I began serving God, I had no idea I would achieve what I did. There are things I know now that I did not even realize existed. I could not even begin to yearn to perceive what I know now, for I had no idea that such levels of understanding and knowledge even existed. Therefore, I did not have any concept of what to strive for.
פַּעַם אַחַת, אַחַר שָׁבוּעוֹת בִּקְהִלַּת זַאסְלַאב, אָמַר לְפָנַי בְּדֶרֶךְ קֻבְלְנָא: "אֵיךְ זוֹכִין לִהְיוֹת יְהוּדִי?".
We were once in Zaslov after Shavuot268The Rebbe was in Zaslov on Shavuot 5567/1807 after traveling to Novoritch. It was there that his wife passed away on the eve of Shavuot. The day after Shavuot was a Sunday, and on that day, Reb Noson spoke to the Rebbe at length and then left for home (Yemey Moharnat #23). Therefore, this conversation must have taken place on that Sunday, 8 Sivan 5567 (June 14, 1807). and the Rebbe complained to me, “How is one worthy of being a Jew?” (see “His Pilgrimage to the Holy Land” #33).
וְהָיִיתִי מִשְׁתּוֹמֵם מְאֹד לְפָנָיו עַל זֶה, כְּפִי מַה שֶּׁהָיִיתִי יוֹדֵעַ מִגְּדֻלָּתוֹ וַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ מִכְּבָר אֲשֶׁר אִי אֶפְשָׁר לְשַׁעֵר בַּמֹּחַ כְּלָל, וַעֲדַיִן נִדְמֶה בְּעֵינָיו שֶׁלֹּא הִתְחִיל כְּלָל.
I stood there dumbfounded. I knew the Rebbe’s greatness and the unimaginable extent of his devotions. Yet, here he felt as if he had not yet begun.
עָנָה וְאָמַר: "הֲלֹא בְּעֵת שֶׁהָיִיתִי יָגֵעַ בִּשְׁבִיל עֲבוֹדַת ה', לֹא עָלָה עַל דַּעְתִּי שֶׁאֶזְכֶּה לָזֶה, וְלֹא הָיִיתִי יוֹדֵעַ כְּלָל מִמַּה שֶּׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ עַכְשָׁו. וְכִי עָלָה עַל דַּעְתִּי לִכְסֹף וּלְהִתְגַּעְגֵּעַ לֵידַע מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ עַכְשָׁו?! כִּי לֹא הָיִיתִי יוֹדֵעַ כְּלָל שׁוּם מְצִיאוּת וִידִיעָה מֵהַשָּׂגָה זוֹ לִכְסֹף וּלְהִתְגַּעְגֵּעַ אֵלַיו.
The Rebbe replied, “When I began serving God, I had no idea I would achieve what I did. There are things I know now that I did not even realize existed. I could not even begin to yearn to perceive what I know now, for I had no idea that such levels of understanding and knowledge even existed. Therefore, I did not have any concept of what to strive for.
אִם כֵּן גַּם עַכְשָׁו, מִי יוֹדֵעַ מַה שֶּׁיֵּשׁ עוֹד לְהַשִּׂיג וּמַה שֶּׁאוּכַל לִזְכּוֹת עוֹד?!" וְהָבֵן.
“But the same thing is still true. Who knows what there is still to comprehend, what understanding there is still to perceive?”
אַחַר כָּךְ אָמַר: "אַךְ זֹאת נֶחָמָתִי, שֶׁכָּל הַיּוֹם כֻּלּוֹ אֲנִי מְבַלֶּה רַק עַל תּוֹרָה וּתְפִלָּה".
Later, the Rebbe said, “My only comfort is the fact that I spend the entire day in Torah and prayer.”