From what the Rebbe told us, we understood that in his effort to achieve total self-mastery in his youth, he would often force himself to do things that caused him great pain. He would force upon himself every kind of self-mortification, including such practices as rolling naked in the snow.30This form of self-mortification is explicitly described in the Ari's Sha'ar Ruach HaKodesh #22. Cf. Isaiah 1:18. All this was to achieve complete self-control, in order that he could serve God more perfectly.
The Rebbe said that the greatest exercise of all in self-control was to refrain from scratching oneself. No matter how badly something itched, he would accept it with absolute serenity. As compelling as the sensation might be, he constrained himself completely and did not move a muscle to relieve it. He said that to allow an itching sensation to continue to increase and not so much as move was the greatest possible form of self-control. There is no greater agony than to just sit there and feel this crawling sensation in one’s mind and not do anything about it. We also heard from others what a great torture this is.
Thus, the Rebbe forced himself to undergo every possible form of self-torture. He took it all upon himself with truth and sincerity until he achieved his great attainments. Happy is he!
Besides this, there were the involuntary sufferings that most tzaddikim endured. Nobody suffered as much as the Rebbe. Such agonies were never before seen or heard, and are beyond all description. He was racked with suffering both inside and out (Tzaddik #154; Yemey Moharnat #11). In his final years, consumption devoured his lungs and his pain increased without measure. To describe his fearsome anguish is beyond the power of words.
Throughout all this, the Rebbe said, “My suffering is always in my power.” Whenever he wanted to, he could accept the agony and feel it in full measure. But when he wished to, he could negate it and be totally oblivious to all pain (cf. BavaMetzia 84b).
This was true even when the Rebbe’s suffering increased beyond all measure. We heard that he once said, “When these pains strike, I can bite through a wooden board.” He gritted his teeth so tightly because of his tremendous pain that he could have bitten through a board, so great was his suffering.
During the last three years of his life, the Rebbe’s torments grew even worse than this. They multiplied again and again until they were absolutely beyond description. Some of this is recounted briefly in our other writings (cf. Tzaddik #39). There is much more to tell, but we omitted most of even the small amount we were able to understand, for even this would fill many volumes. The vision will come at its appointed time (Habbakuk 2:3) to tell the whole story, with God’s help.
גַּם הֵבַנּוּ מִדְּבָרָיו, שֶׁהָיָה מְסַפֵּר עִמָּנוּ: שֶׁבִּימֵי נְעוּרָיו, בְּעֵת שֶׁיָּגַע וְטָרַח בִּשְׁבִיל עֲבוֹדַת הַשֵּׁם, הָיוּ לוֹ כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה מִינֵי סִגּוּפִים. וּכְפִי הַנִּשְׁמָע וּמוּבָן מִדְּבָרָיו; שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ כָּל מִינֵי סִגּוּפִים שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם, הֵן גִּלְגּוּל שֶׁלֶג וְכוּ' וְכַיּוֹצֵא.
From what the Rebbe told us, we understood that in his effort to achieve total self-mastery in his youth, he would often force himself to do things that caused him great pain. He would force upon himself every kind of self-mortification, including such practices as rolling naked in the snow.30This form of self-mortification is explicitly described in the Ari's Sha'ar Ruach HaKodesh #22. Cf. Isaiah 1:18. All this was to achieve complete self-control, in order that he could serve God more perfectly.
וְאָמַר, שֶׁהַסִּגּוּף לֶאֱחֹז עַצְמוֹ לִבְלִי לְחַכֵּךְ עַצְמוֹ כְּלָל, זֶהוּ הַסִּגּוּף הַגָּדוֹל בְּיוֹתֵר. דְּהַיְנוּ כְּשֶׁמְּנַשְּׁכִים לָאָדָם הַדְּבָרִים הַשְּׁכִיחִים סָמוּךְ לַבָּשָׂר, וְדֶרֶךְ כָּל אָדָם לְחַכֵּךְ עַצְמוֹ בְּכָל־עֵת שֶׁמַּרְגִּישׁ אֵיזֶה נְשִׁיכָה. וְהָיָה מְקַבֵּל זֹאת לְסִגּוּף לֶאֱנֹס אֶת עַצְמוֹ לִבְלִי לַעֲשׂוֹת שׁוּם חִכּוּךְ, לֹא בַּיָּד וְלֹא בַּגּוּף וְלֹא בְּשׁוּם אֵיבָר. וְאָמַר: שֶׁזֶּהוּ סִגּוּף גָּדוֹל מְאֹד, כִּי הָאָדָם מֻנָּח, וְהַנְּשִׁיכוֹת מִתְגַּבְּרִים אָז בְּיוֹתֵר וְהוּא אָסוּר לוֹ לָזוּז בְּיָדָיו וְלֹא בְּשׁוּם אֵבָר רַק מַרְגִּישׁ כָּל נְשִׁיכָה בַּמֹּחַ. וְהוּא סִגּוּף גָּדוֹל מְאֹד (וּכְבָר שָׁמַעְתִּי זֹאת גַּם מִשְּׁאָר אֲנָשִׁים שֶׁזֶּהוּ סִגּוּף גָּדוֹל מְאֹד).
The Rebbe said that the greatest exercise of all in self-control was to refrain from scratching oneself. No matter how badly something itched, he would accept it with absolute serenity. As compelling as the sensation might be, he constrained himself completely and did not move a muscle to relieve it. He said that to allow an itching sensation to continue to increase and not so much as move was the greatest possible form of self-control. There is no greater agony than to just sit there and feel this crawling sensation in one’s mind and not do anything about it. We also heard from others what a great torture this is.
וְהוּא ז"ל עָשָׂה הַכֹּל, כָּל מִינֵי סִגּוּפִים שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם. וְהַכֹּל בִּתְמִימוּת וּבֶאֱמֶת עַד שֶׁזָּכָה לְמַה שֶּׁזָּכָה אַשְׁרֵי לוֹ.
Thus, the Rebbe forced himself to undergo every possible form of self-torture. He took it all upon himself with truth and sincerity until he achieved his great attainments. Happy is he!
גַּם בְּעִנְיַן יִסּוּרִים שֶׁיֵּשׁ עַל רֹב הַצַּדִּיקִים, מַמָּשׁ לֹא נִשְׁמַע וְלֹא נִרְאָה בַּעַל יִסּוּרִין כְּמוֹתוֹ וְאִי־אֶפְשָׁר לְסַפֵּר וּלְבָאֵר. וְהָיָה מָלֵא יִסּוּרִים מִבַּיִת וּמִחוּץ. וּבִתְחִלָּה, קֹדֶם סוֹף יָמָיו הָיָה לוֹ יִסּוּרִים עֲצוּמִים וְנוֹרָאִים אֲשֶׁר לֹא הָיוּ יִסּוּרִים דֻּגְמָתָם בָּעוֹלָם.
Besides this, there were the involuntary sufferings that most tzaddikim endured. Nobody suffered as much as the Rebbe. Such agonies were never before seen or heard, and are beyond all description. He was racked with suffering both inside and out (Tzaddik #154; Yemey Moharnat #11). In his final years, consumption devoured his lungs and his pain increased without measure. To describe his fearsome anguish is beyond the power of words.
וְסִפֵּר: שֶׁהַיִּסּוּרִים שֶׁלּוֹ הֵם בְּיָדוֹ בְּכָל־עֵת שֶׁרוֹצֶה הוּא מְקַבְּלָם עַל־עַצְמוֹ וּבָאִים עָלָיו הַיִּסּוּרִים הַלָּלוּ, וּבְעֵת שֶׁרוֹצֶה לְסַלְּקָם נִסְתַּלְּקִים מֵעָלָיו.
Throughout all this, the Rebbe said, “My suffering is always in my power.” Whenever he wanted to, he could accept the agony and feel it in full measure. But when he wished to, he could negate it and be totally oblivious to all pain (cf. Bava Metzia 84b).
וְעֹצֶם קְשִׁי וְכֹבֶד הַיִּסּוּרִים הַלָּלוּ הָיָה בְּלִי שִׁעוּר. וְאָמְרוּ בִּשְׁמוֹ, שֶׁאָמַר: שֶׁבְּשָׁעָה שֶׁבָּאוּ עָלָיו הַיִּסּוּרִים, מֵעֹצֶם הַפְלָגַת הַצַּעַר וְהַכְּאֵב הַמֻּפְלָג מְאֹד מְאֹד, הָיָה כִּמְעַט יָכוֹל לִנְשֹׁךְ עֵץ בְּשִׁנָּיו מֵעֹצֶם הַכְּאֵב (כְּדֶרֶךְ הָאָדָם שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ יִסּוּרִים מֻפְלָגִים שֶׁמֵּעֹצֶם הַיִּסּוּרִים הוּא חוֹרֵק בְּשִׁנָּיו. וְעָלָיו ז"ל, הָיוּ יִסּוּרִים כְּבֵדִים וְקָשִׁים כָּל־כָּךְ עַד שֶׁבִּשְׁעַת הַיִּסּוּרִים הָיָה אֶפְשָׁר, שֶׁיַּחְתֹּךְ עֵצִים בְּשִׁנָּיו מֵעֹצֶם הַצַּעַר).
This was true even when the Rebbe’s suffering increased beyond all measure. We heard that he once said, “When these pains strike, I can bite through a wooden board.” He gritted his teeth so tightly because of his tremendous pain that he could have bitten through a board, so great was his suffering.
אוּלָם גֹּדֶל וְרִבּוּי הַיִּסּוּרִים הַקָּשִׁים וְהָעֲצוּמִים שֶׁהָיָה לוֹ בְּסוֹף יָמָיו שְׁלשָׁה שָׁנִים רְצוּפִים הָיוּ גְּדוֹלִים וְקָשִׁים עוֹד יוֹתֵר וְיוֹתֵר בְּכִפְלֵי כִּיפְלַיִם אֲשֶׁר אֵין לְשַׁעֵר וּלְהַעֲרִיךְ כְּלָל. (וּקְצָת מִזֶּה יְבֹאָר בְּמָקוֹם אַחֵר אִם יִרְצֶה הַשֵּׁם אֶפֶס קָצֵהוּ. וְיֵשׁ עוֹד הַרְבֵּה בָּזֶה לְסַפֵּר אַךְ הִשְׁמַטְנוּ הָרֹב אֲפִלּוּ מְהַמְּעַט שֶׁאָנוּ יוֹדְעִים, כִּי גַּם זֶה הַמְּעַט הוּא רַב לְסַפֵּר וְלֹא יַסְפִּיקוּ הַרְבֵּה יְרִיעוֹת. וְעוֹד חָזוֹן לַמּוֹעֵד לְבָאֵר יוֹתֵר בְּעֶזְרַת ה' יִתְבָּרַךְ).
During the last three years of his life, the Rebbe’s torments grew even worse than this. They multiplied again and again until they were absolutely beyond description. Some of this is recounted briefly in our other writings (cf. Tzaddik #39). There is much more to tell, but we omitted most of even the small amount we were able to understand, for even this would fill many volumes. The vision will come at its appointed time (Habbakuk 2:3) to tell the whole story, with God’s help.