Repenting Immediately / Getting Lost in the World of Sins / Young and Old People When a person sins, he turns onto a desolate path that branches into various misleading and desolate byways. God calls him back immediately in a variety of ways. At first this person can repent and turn back easily, for he still recognizes God’s voice. But if he proceeds onto the desolate path and gets lost in its byways, he finds it hard to return to the proper, straight path. When God calls Him, he does not recognize God’s voice and so does not return. That is the difference between a young person and an old person. A young person who is not immured in his sins can more easily return to God than can an old person, for this young person is still close to God and has not forgotten His voice. I Have Gone Astray “I have gone astray like a lost sheep. Seek Your servant, for I have not forgotten Your commandments.”
Master of the world, if I wished to tell how I went astray from my earliest moments until this day, reams of paper would not suffice, the earth could not contain all of my words, all of the parchment from the rams of Nevayot and all of the languages of the world could not express my errors. They could not describe all of the ruined paths, blasted avenues and bewildering labyrinths upon which I strayed.
At every moment, with my sins and blemished thoughts, I strayed upon contorted, ruined byways. Over the course of days and years, I wandered upon twisted paths that led to other twisted paths.
It was not enough that I strayed with my first sins, but every day I sinned yet more — sin upon sin, crime upon crime, iniquity upon iniquity, shameful thought upon shameful thought, vulgarity upon vulgarity, until my mind grew thick and my wicked fantasies gathered in a pile, rising and pressing upon me until I feel that I can no longer breathe.
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מָה אוֹמַר מָה אֲדַבֵּר מָה אֶצְטַדָּק,
What can I say? What words can I speak? How can I justify myself?
I have strayed for so many years on delusory paths that even if You have compassion on me and send me hints to return to You or call out to me, I will not recognize Your hints and I will not hear You calling out to me, and I will not return from my errors.
Now, after I have sinned so much in my thoughts, speech and action, what will I say? If I cannot even properly express my contrition for a fraction of the sins that I committed, how can I possibly do so for all of them?
I lie prostrate before You like a dead dog. I lie on the ground before You like spilled out, muddy water. I am filled with shame and disgrace, shortcomings, offenses and vice — from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head, from the day that I gained maturity until this moment.
Help me, for I have gone astray on misleading and blasted paths, and my thoughts are polluted and obscured. Teach me the true way and proper counsel, so that I will quickly return to the straight path in accordance with Your beneficent will and serve You with awe and love.
[עַל־פִּי תּוֹרָה ר"ו - תָּעִיתִי כְּשֶׂה אֹבֵד בַּקֵּשׁ עַבְדֶּךָ]
תָּעִיתִי כְּשֶׂה אוֹבֵד בַּקֵּשׁ עַבְדֶּךָ כִּי מִצְוֹתֶיךָ לֹא שָׁכָחְתִּי. תָּעִיתִי כְּשֶׂה אוֹבֵד בַּקֵּשׁ עַבְדֶּךָ.
Repenting Immediately / Getting Lost in the World of Sins / Young and Old People
When a person sins, he turns onto a desolate path that branches into various misleading and desolate byways.
God calls him back immediately in a variety of ways. At first this person can repent and turn back easily, for he still recognizes God’s voice. But if he proceeds onto the desolate path and gets lost in its byways, he finds it hard to return to the proper, straight path. When God calls Him, he does not recognize God’s voice and so does not return.
That is the difference between a young person and an old person. A young person who is not immured in his sins can more easily return to God than can an old person, for this young person is still close to God and has not forgotten His voice.
I Have Gone Astray
“I have gone astray like a lost sheep. Seek Your servant, for I have not forgotten Your commandments.”
רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, מָלֵא רַחֲמִים, אִם אָמַרְתִּי אֲסַפְּרָה כְּמוֹ שֶׁתָּעִיתִי וְנִתְעֵיתִי זֶה יָמִים וְשָׁנִים רַבִּים מִיּוֹם הֱיוֹתִי עַד הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה, יִקְצְרוּ הֲמוֹן יְרִיעוֹת, וְלֹא תוּכַל הָאָרֶץ לְהָכִיל אֶת כָּל דְּבָרַי, וְלֹא יַסְפִּיקוּ כָּל עוֹרוֹת אֵילֵי נְבָיוֹת וְכָל הַלְּשׁוֹנוֹת שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם לְבָאֵר וּלְסַפֵּר אֶת עֹצֶם רִבּוּי הַתְּעוֹת וְהַנְּבוֹכָה שֶׁתָּעִיתִי לִדְרָכִים נְבוֹכִים וּמְקֻלְקָלִים וּפְגוּמִים וּמְתוֹעָבִים מְאֹד מְאֹד, לִדְרָכִים רָעִים וּמְבֻלְבָּלִים מְאֹד,
Master of the world, if I wished to tell how I went astray from my earliest moments until this day, reams of paper would not suffice, the earth could not contain all of my words, all of the parchment from the rams of Nevayot and all of the languages of the world could not express my errors. They could not describe all of the ruined paths, blasted avenues and bewildering labyrinths upon which I strayed.
כִּי הֲרֵעוֹתִי אֶת מַעֲשַׂי מְאֹד, חָטָאתִי עָוִיתִי וּפָשַׁעְתִּי, וְהִמְשַׁכְתִּי עָלַי אֶת הַיֵּצֶר הָרָע, עַד שֶׁבָּאתִי לְמַה שֶּׁבָּאתִי, וְקִלְקַלְתִּי מַה שֶּׁקִּלְקַלְתִּי.
I defiled my deeds. I erred, transgressed and sinned. I drew the evil inclination close to me until I sank to my present state.
וּבְכָל פַּעַם וּפַעַם עַל־יְדֵי כָּל עֲבֵרָה וַעֲבֵרָה, וְעַל־יְדֵי כָּל הִרְהוּר וְהִרְהוּר, וְעַל־יְדֵי כָּל פְּגָם וּפְגַם, תָּעִיתִי וְנִתְעֵיתִי לִדְרָכִים נְבוֹכִים וּמְקֻלְקָלִים הַרְבֵּה מְאֹד, וּמִכָּל אֵלּוּ הַדְּרָכִים הַנְּבוֹכִים יוֹצְאִין עוֹד דְּרָכִים נְבוֹכִים וְתוֹעִים וּמְקֻלְקָלִים הַרְבֵּה.
At every moment, with my sins and blemished thoughts, I strayed upon contorted, ruined byways. Over the course of days and years, I wandered upon twisted paths that led to other twisted paths.
וְהָיִיתִי הוֹלֵךְ וְתוֹעֶה, הוֹלֵךְ וְתוֹעֶה, יָמִים וְשָׁנִים הַרְבֵּה, וְלֹא הָיָה דַי לִי מַה שֶּׁכְּבָר נִתְעֵיתִי הַרְבֵּה עַל־יְדֵי הָעֲוֹנוֹת הָרִאשׁוֹנִים שֶׁעָשִׂיתִי, כִּי אִם עוֹד הוֹסַפְתִּי עֲלֵיהֶם בְּכָל יוֹם וָיוֹם חֲדָשִׁים, עֲוֹנוֹת עַל עֲוֹנוֹת, וּפְשָׁעִים עַל פְּשָׁעִים, וַחֲטָאִים עַל חֲטָאִים, וְהִרְהוּרִים עַל הִרְהוּרִים, וּמַחֲשָׁבוֹת זָרוֹת עַל מַחֲשָׁבוֹת זָרוֹת, בִּלְבּוּלִים וְרַעְיוֹנִים רָעִים עַל בִּלְבּוּלִים וְרַעְיוֹנִים רָעִים, עַד אֲשֶׁר הִשְׂתָּרְגוּ עָלוּ עַל צַוָּארִי הִכְשִׁילוּ כֹחִי.
It was not enough that I strayed with my first sins, but every day I sinned yet more — sin upon sin, crime upon crime, iniquity upon iniquity, shameful thought upon shameful thought, vulgarity upon vulgarity, until my mind grew thick and my wicked fantasies gathered in a pile, rising and pressing upon me until I feel that I can no longer breathe.
מָה אוֹמַר מָה אֲדַבֵּר מָה אֶצְטַדָּק,
What can I say? What words can I speak? How can I justify myself?
שִׁטַּחְתִּי אֵלֶיךָ כַפָּי, עָזְרֵנִי הוֹשִׁיעֵנִי,
I stretch my hands out to You. Help me! Save me!
וְכָּל כָּךְ תָּעִיתִי זֶה יָמִים וְשָׁנִים הַרְבֵּה לִדְרָכִים מְבֻלְבָּלִים וּנְבוֹכִים מְאֹד, עַד אֲשֶׁר אֲפִלּוּ אִם אַתָּה מְרַחֵם עָלַי, וְאַתָּה קוֹרֵא וּמַכְרִיז וּמְרַמֵּז אֵלַי, אֵינִי שׁוֹמֵעַ וּמַכִּיר הֵיטֵב קוֹל קְרִיאָתְךָ, וַעֲדַיִן לֹא שַׁבְתִּי מִטָּעוּתִי.
I have strayed for so many years on delusory paths that even if You have compassion on me and send me hints to return to You or call out to me, I will not recognize Your hints and I will not hear You calling out to me, and I will not return from my errors.
אוֹי לִי וַי לִי,
Woe! Woe! Woe!
רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, כָּל הַלְּשׁוֹנוֹת שֶׁל תְּחִנָּה וּבַקָּשָׁה וּצְעָקָה וַחֲרָטָה שֶׁבָּעוֹלָם, כֻּלָּם הָיִיתִי צָרִיךְ לִצְעֹק כְּבָר לִפְנֵי כַּמָּה שָׁנִים.
Seeking the True Path
Master of the world, I should have prayed to You, cried out to You, and acknowledged my regret to You years ago.
וְעַתָּה אַחַר שֶׁהוֹסַפְתִּי בְּכָל יוֹם וּבְכָל שָׁעָה כַּמָּה וְכַמָּה חֲטָאִים וַעֲוֹנוֹת וּפְשָׁעִים בְּמַחֲשָׁבָה דִּבּוּר וּמַעֲשֶׂה, מָה אוֹסִיף לְדַבֵּר עוֹד, וּמִי יוּכַל לְחַדֵּשׁ דִּבּוּרִים יוֹתֵר, מִי יָשׂוּם לִי פֶּה לְדַבֵּר עוֹד כְּפִי מַה שֶּׁאֲנִי צָרִיךְ לְדַבֵּר עַתָּה. וּבִפְרָט שֶׁבֶּאֱמֶת אֵינִי זוֹכֶה לְדַבֵּר בִּשְׁלֵמוּת בֶּאֱמֶת אֲפִלּוּ הַדִּבּוּרִים שֶׁהָיִיתִי צָרִיךְ לְדַבֵּר, אִם לֹא הָיִיתִי עוֹשֶׂה כִּי אִם חֵלֶק מֵאֶלֶף וּרְבָבָה מִמַּה שֶּׁעָשִׂיתִי.
Now, after I have sinned so much in my thoughts, speech and action, what will I say? If I cannot even properly express my contrition for a fraction of the sins that I committed, how can I possibly do so for all of them?
אוֹי אוֹי אוֹי, מָה אוֹמַר וּמָה אֲדַבֵּר וּמָה חֲיָלִים אֲגַבֵּר.
Woe! Woe! Woe! What can I say? How can I gather my courage?
כְּכֶלֶב מֵת אֲנִי מֻנָּח לְפָנֶיךָ, כְּטִיט הַנֵּרוֹק אֲנִי נִשְׁפָּךְ לְפָנֶיךָ. הֲרֵי אֲנִי לְפָנֶיךָ מָלֵא בּוּשָׁה וּכְלִמָּה, מָלֵא חֲטָאִים וַעֲוֹנוֹת וּפְשָׁעִים מִכַּף רֶגֶל וְעַד רֹאשׁ, מִיּוֹם עָמְדִי עַל דַּעְתִּי עַד הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה.
I lie prostrate before You like a dead dog. I lie on the ground before You like spilled out, muddy water. I am filled with shame and disgrace, shortcomings, offenses and vice — from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head, from the day that I gained maturity until this moment.
עֲזֹר לְתוֹעֶה וְנִתְעֶה בִּדְרָכִים נְבוֹכִים וּמְקֻלְקָלִים וּמַחֲשָׁבוֹת מְבֻלְבָּלוֹת כָּמוֹנִי הַיּוֹם. הוֹרֵנִי הַדֶּרֶךְ הָאֱמֶת וְהָעֵצָה הַנְּכוֹנָה, בְּאֹפֶן שֶׁאֶזְכֶּה לְהַגִּיעַ מְהֵרָה לְהַדֶּרֶךְ הַיָּשָׁר כִּרְצוֹנְךָ הַטּוֹב בֶּאֱמֶת. וְאֶזְכֶּה מֵעַתָּה לָשׁוּב אֵלֶיךָ בֶּאֱמֶת וּלְעָבְדְךָ בֶּאֱמֶת בְּיִרְאָה וְאַהֲבָה.
Help me, for I have gone astray on misleading and blasted paths, and my thoughts are polluted and obscured. Teach me the true way and proper counsel, so that I will quickly return to the straight path in accordance with Your beneficent will and serve You with awe and love.
חָנֵּנִי וּפְדֵנִי, כְּחַסְדְּךָ חַיֵּנִי וְאֶשְׁמְרָה עֵדוּת פִּיךָ.
Be gracious to me and redeem me. “In accordance with Your kindness, give me life, and I will guard the testimony of Your mouth.”
הַדְרִיכֵנִי בַאֲמִתֶּךָ וְלַמְּדֵנִי כִּי אַתָּה אֱלֹהֵי יִשְׁעִי אוֹתְךָ קִוִּיתִי כָּל הַיּוֹם.
“Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; I have hoped for You all day long.”
הוֹרֵנִי יְהֹוָה דֶּרֶךְ חֻקֶּיךָ וְאֶצֳרֶנָּה עֵקֶב.
“HaShem, teach me the way of Your laws, and I will keep it at every step.”
חַסְדְּךָ יְהֹוָה מָלְאָה הָאָרֶץ חֻקֶּיךָ לַמְּדֵנִי:
“HaShem, the earth is filled With Your kindness; teach me Your laws.”